The wine the witch and the wardrobe Wines are like your wardrobe and no, this is not one of those silly "love-is-like-Breville-sandwich-maker" type of flippant remarks that people are wont to make in the heat of passion. No. You know how when you get a new shirt or trousers or dress - if you're that way inclined - it first may be pressed into duty ('scuse pun) at some special occasion, afterwhich, given a suitable period of hibernation, it may be trotted out again at less prominent functions. Following further familiarisation it could get a regular guernsey (sorry) as workplace attire and fair game for kids dress ups, which is only one step away from camping/lawnmowing/backyard duties before finally becoming a polishing rag. There, the complete history of the personal garment, which is remarkably similar to that of some wines. At a certain age and income, you buy wine which you feel is quite special and take it to a commensurately special occasion. As your propensity for snobbery grows with your income, you may take that same wine to increasingly more average functions, despite the contradiction in terms. Eventually you start drinking it around the home, even letting the kids have some, before, in a final expression of middle class one-upmanship, considering such bottles only for camping, lawnmowing and backyard duties. Finally it becomes the dregs you give to neighbours, when thought is more important than gift. Here's a few wines at various stages of undress in my life. At the lowest ebb of appreciation : Woodley Queen Adelaide Chardonnay 2002 Convenience Pack, $25 (3litres). Four bottles of average wine in a box with a picture of a bottle on it. Good way to get the grog to the barbecue and give to the neighbours as 'free wine on arrival'. A very sensible 7/10. >From the camping/lawnmowing department... Saltram 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon, $8. Sometimes you get lucky with an $8 wine, sometimes you get an $8 wine. 5/10. Around the house, everyday wear...cheap but reliable. Wolf Blass Riesling 2002, $11. Check the price! Not the flashest riesling around but still a great drop and for a handful of gold coins, how can you go wrong? 8/10. Workplace attire, smart casual... Penfolds Thomas Hyland Shiraz 2001, $18. New dress from Penfolds but fancy introducing another red in their already chockka range. At least they call it Penfolds, unlike other brands who sneakily call their new entries something else altogether. But $18 isn't entry-level wine. With the unmistakeable air of ever-reliable Penfolds, you could wear it anywhere. 8.2/10. Going out - trendy but still affordable... Elderton Barossa Merlot 1997, $30ish. Sometimes you do yourself a disservice by having the best wine of the evening first. Everything else can seem a dissappointment. But how do you know? Bit like being better dressed than the bride. 9/10. Good wear, maximum impression required... Henschke Hill Of Grace 1992, $230. A troubled life in a house of wildly varying temperatures and a day in the back of a car was just too much for this icon of Aussie barbecue fare. "But it's the occcasion that counts", remarked The Big R. Maximum wank value. 7/10.