Eh, eh, PC, smart chap. Telecommunications companies still hate me. Three months ago, about three seconds after I changed my ‘carrier’, I received a call from the previous mob saying they could do better. “Bit late now”, I replied curtly. However being a member of that rare breed of human who actually doesn’t mind the odd marketing call (specially surveys), I mentioned I would be happy to hear from them in three months, after I had a chance to properly compare the relative merits. Their record keeping is immaculate. Three months to the minute, I received my first callback. I felt a bit guilty that I had a more pressing task - co-incidentally I was ironing - and told him to naff off. (Talk about bad timing, on average I only iron one garment per month.) About an hour later I received a second call. I felt even guiltier this time, as I was under a bit of strain - the pasta was ready - and had to tell the person again to wrack off. Surely they must suspect my original call was a brush-off. Nope. An hour later I was beginning to feel quite chuffed that my neighbours must surely hear by now how popular I am, as the third call chimed. “Hello Ranjet here from the Big O”. “Alright, let’s talk shop”. I could sense his surprise. Ten minutes later I had convinced Ranjet that the Big O was not in fact cheaper than the really annoying TV commercial brand, however, having picked his subconcontinental accent, plied him for some detail of his own, as I am wont to do. “How’s the weather? Monsoons kicked in yet? Your English is good, been working there long? What about wages, I know they are relative and that? Does the population density get you down? Do you yearn to eat beef? And how about those summers? Doing alright in the cricket too, a fan of Tendulkar? Do you have much wine over there?” “Oh, yes, there are many fine wines right on my doorstep”, Ramjet replied chirpily. “Really, where exactly are you?” “Melbourne”. Probably not far from where these grapes are grown. Killara Park Yarra Valley Shiraz 2002, $20? The Big M reports...Quite a pleasant shiraz experience but Darren’s lamb shanks with figs and walnuts outshone it. Mind you they were pretty bloody good. 7.8/10. Lillydale Estate Yarra Valley Gewurztraminer 2003, $18. Ah yes, the friendly sight of a long bottle, this one with added friendliness in the form of a sweet floral label. All adds to the drinking experience as do the contents of course. 8.4/10. St Huberts Yarra Valley Roussanne 2002, $25. The lunch was progressing nicely except that I didn’t really want to be there. Thank goodness for wine in such situations. This was better than most as a distraction, and even supplied some conversation of its own, so to speak. Or was that just the grog talking? 8.8/10. Yarra Ridge Eye Spy 2003 Cabernet Merlot, $14. I spy with my little eye a few clever tricks to get you to drink this stuff. It’s pretty cheap, pretty catchy and pretty good. Cheeky buggers, fools me every time. 8/10.